I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
