Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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