my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
