If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
