yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
