Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
