Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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