all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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