Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
