They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
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I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
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I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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