How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
