The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
being pregnant is like rehab
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
