You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
True strength comes from lack of pants
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
