My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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