My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
