just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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