Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
