i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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