I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
