Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
