omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
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Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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