Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
All I want is dick and wine.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
