How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
