stop calling my apartment porn island.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
