I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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