Michael Bay diarrhea
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
