Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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