just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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