ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
