I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
