OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
you had me at cake vodka
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
