We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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