Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
