I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
