we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
