Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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