wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
