When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
