life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
