no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
