We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
