i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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