she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
