Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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