i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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