I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
