I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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