Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
