I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
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