Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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