Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
