Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
