I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
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I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
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Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in