Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.