it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
