His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
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This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
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I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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