I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
