i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I love having hate sex.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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