Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
