Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
