When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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