This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Randomize
