you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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